We have all been in a situation where someone has asked a favour and instead of saying “No, not right now” or “No, I’m not comfortable with that”, we bite our tongue because we want to avoid a potential conflict.  Although this may feel like the easier option in the moment, it can cause a great deal of internal distress because we are dismissing our individual boundaries.

What are those, you may ask? Well…boundaries are the rules or limitations that we set for ourselves within personal and professional relationships.  They are based on our own individual values and although they may overlap with those closest to us, they are not founded or dependent on what other people feel is important.

So, how do we to set healthy boundaries? Well, it does take practice but here are 5 ways to help get you started:

1. Know Your Values.

As we mentioned earlier, boundaries are based on our individual values and therefore, it’s important we know what our personal values are. Examples of values include: Honesty, Respect, Family, Freedom, Fun, Creativity, Independence, etc. What I like to do with all my clients is help determine what their individual values are, as this can help inform behaviours, feelings and thoughts about a particular situation. For example, if a primary value of yours is Family and your employer strongly requests that you to work late several nights a week, you may feel angered, helpless or resentful as this request directly infringes on your value. This situation highlights the importance of setting healthy boundaries with your employer to maintain positive well being (i.e. not working past X time to ensure you spend enough quality time with your partner/children each night).

2. Be Clear with What You Say.

It is OK to say No; it does not mean you are being rude or selfish. Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need to.  When saying No and setting a boundary, it is important to make sure that you are communicating clearly. This reduces any ambiguity and doubt for what you need and/or want in the particular situation. A simple “No” will suffice (100% easier said than done I know) however you can also try:

·      “No, not right now”
·      “No, thank-you”
·      “I am not comfortable with that”

When we are not clear and start to reply with statements like “I wish I could but I’m really busy…but maybe I can call you after X thing to let you know if I can or not…and hopefully it works out because I don’t want to say no” the other person one): does not know that they may have crossed a boundary and therefore, are more likely to repeat their behaviour and two): are likely expecting a phone call after the fact, which leaves us riddled with anxiety and/or resentment because we are simply waiting out the clock to say No anyway.  

3.  Body Language is Key.

We have heard on numerous platforms how impactful our body language can be. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries, being mindful of what our body language is communicating can be equally as important as the words coming out of our mouth. Be confident, speak face-to-face, and make eye contact (when culturally appropriate). Avoid any distractions, like looking down at your phone or out the window, as this can come across as dismissive and undermine the boundary you are attempting to set.

4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Always have respect for yourself, and for others. This means refrain from yelling swearing, name-calling and holding the belief that one person is ‘winning and loosing’ in the conversation. Try not to assume the other person is taking advantage of you, as they may not be aware of the impact their statement has. Additionally, do not let the inner-bully take centre stage and start beating yourself up for needing to say No, or struggling with saying No. Remember, respect is a two-way street.

5. Take Time to Reflect.

Sometimes, we are having an off day and may take more than we give.  Sometimes, others may be having an off day and we give more than we take. This happens from time to time however, if you find the pendulum swings to one side more often than the other, there may be a deeper problem. Take some time to reflect on how you respond to others, and in return, how others respond to you. Is your response intentional or are you on autopilot with a “Yes, no problem” or “No, absolutely not”? Is the response you get from a particular individual “Ugh, why are you being so difficult?” when you are simply enforcing a realistic boundary?  If so, how do you feel about that?



Setting healthy boundaries is something a lot of people struggle with. It is not always an easy thing to do and yet, it is a skill worth learning! If you are struggling with setting healthy boundaries in your personal or professional life, feel free to connect with me and we can discuss more one on one!