Gender Diversity in Children: A Parent's Guide to Approach
Are you a parent or guardian with a child who is asking questions about gender? Maybe you have noticed they are experimenting with what gender feels comfortable to them. Perhaps you have noticed your child participates in acts of play that seem outside their gender norms, or maybe even have asked to wear clothing that does not necessarily fall into their gender norm. This experience can be frightening for parents, however for children these topics are a normal part of gaining a sense of who they are as people. As your child develops, they begin to learn about gender identity and expression, and you may notice your child is expressing their gender atypically than what is expected of their gender norm.
Gender diversity refers to genders or gender expression outside of the binary framework (this framework means identifying as either a boy or girl). Gender norms describe a set of socially acceptable ideas or roles that are expected of girls, boys, and other genders. If your child is asking questions about what gender means, what it looks like, etc. this does not mean they are necessarily gender diverse. However, you can still support your child in learning about gender by encouraging open conversation about gender diversity. If your child is expressing gender diversity, it is all the more important to be having these conversations. These conversations play an influential role in your child’s development and their sense of self, so it is key to approach in a supportive, safe, and compassionate way.
Children are able to understand what gender means for them at a younger age than most believe. Children begin developing their own sense of gender typically around age three. This means that around this age children begin to learn about what it means for them to identify as girl/boy/gender-fluid/transgender or non-binary. At this same time, children begin to comprehend and understand in their social environments what gender norms are. Although they may not know the specific words for what they identify as if they are gender diverse, children develop an awareness of who they are in terms of gender identity. Parents, it is okay and normal for your child to be expressing gender or questioning gender in different ways at a young age. Children who assert a different gender identity than the norm understand their gender just as distinctly as non-gender diverse children.
How to approach
So, your child is asking questions about gender or expressing gender diversity? Here are some important things to keep in mind when having these conversations with your child:
Having a safe space - This means ensuring that this conversation is happening in an environment that provides a safe place for your child to speak freely. If this is not kept in mind, your child may feel intimidated or nervous discussing the topic, creating negative feelings and a lack of security.
Listening and Validating - Active listening is important in this scenario as it is important that your child feels heard. This provides the child with a sense of reassurance that they are able to express themselves to you, and that their feelings are valid. Although you may feel confusion or even fear on how to discuss this with your child, it is key to be as understanding as possible. A child who is confused or questioning their gender is most likely feeling just as nervous as you may be! In offering support and validation to a child questioning their gender or expressing gender diversity, your child may feel more comfortable with their sense of self. This also can support children who are gender diverse in having an increased likelihood of experiencing positive social, emotional, and mental well-being.
Feel the feelings! - You may be feeling a mix of various emotions such as fear, confusion, sadness, anger, or even anxiety. And that's okay! Understanding your own feelings around your child being gender diverse or questioning gender is essential in ensuring that you are ready to have this conversation with your child.
Do the research - There are lots of different resources, tools, and educational supports out there to help you and your child navigate this journey together. By educating yourself, you will put yourself in a better position to support your child, and also be able to navigate your own feelings more in-depth. The evidence-based research and educational resources can provide you with a support network as well, in knowing that you are not alone as a parent experiencing these conversations with your child. What research does show is that parents and caregivers who offer validation, support, and care to their gender diverse children, effectively increase the likelihood their child will have a better sense of self and well-being when they are well-supported.
Ensuring you are ready to have these conversations with your child is important, and learning more about the different forms of gender expression and identity can help support you and your child. If you or your child have questions about this topic, please feel free to contact our office to discuss this with one of our clinicians.