The “Should” Trap

How many times have you told yourself, “I should always be successful in everything I do, I should never make mistakes, or my partner should always understand how I feel”? If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These are called “ought” and “should” statements, and they can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, anger, or frustration when the expectations are not met. They can also set up an all-or-nothing mindset that does not account for the complexities and uncertainties of real life.

“Should” and “ought” statements are a form of cognitive errors, a concept rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which suggests that our thoughts can impact our feelings and behaviours. These statements represent all-or-nothing thinking, where we apply strict and often unattainable standards to ourselves and others.

Here are some examples of how “Should” and “Ought” statements can negatively impact our mental health:

1. They promote unrealistic standards: “should” and “ought” statements often reflect idealized or unrealistic expectations. When we or others fail to live up to these expectations, it can cause stress, anxiety, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy.

2. Leads to guilt and disappointment: if you often find yourself thinking that you “should” be better or “ought” to be doing more, you might experience feelings of guilt and disappointment when the standards you set for yourself are not met.

3. Blocks positive feelings and experiences: These statements can foster negative self-judgments and self-criticism, contributing to low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. As a result we stay stuck focusing on what we’re not doing or what we’re doing wrong, preventing us from recognizing and appreciating our accomplishments and positive experiences.

4. Limits flexibility: Life is unpredictable and requires flexibility. Constant '“should” and

“ought” thinking can make it hard to adapt when things don’t go as planned and leaves little to no room for the things outside of our control (which as much as we hate this, are a lot of things!). This lack of flexibility can lead to frustration and disappointment.

5. Creates a perfectionist mindset: These statements can trap us in a cycle of perfectionism, where we’re never quite satisfied with what we have or who we are. This can be harmful to our self-esteem and overall mental health.

6. Negatively impacts relationships: If we apply “should” and “ought” statements to others, we can put undue pressure on them, leading to resentment and potential conflict in relationships.

But there is good news, CBT suggests that by identifying these distortions in our thinking, we can challenge them and replace them with more rational, balanced thoughts and improve our mental well-being.

Here are some strategies that might help:

1. Awareness: The first step to change is being aware of your thoughts. Start to notice when you’re using “should” and “ought” statements. Doing so can help you understand the situations that trigger these thoughts.

2. Mindfulness and self-compassion: Practice being present and nonjudgmental about your thoughts and feelings. Rather than criticizing yourself for having “should'“ and “ought” thinking, ask yourself why these thoughts might be coming up. Avoid thinking, “I should not have these thoughts” and approach with a curious mindset!

3. Reframing: Once you’re aware of these thoughts, you can start reframing them in a more positive and realistic light. Instead of “I should be more successful” consider “I’m doing my best and making progress.”

4. Identify and challenge distortions: When a “should” or “ought” thought comes up, challenge its validity. Ask yourself, “Is this thought accurate? Is it helpful? What’s another way I could look at this?”

5. Replace" “Should” with “Could”: This simple change can make a significant difference. “Could” offers possibility and choice, whereas “should” implies obligation and guilt. For example, instead of saying, “I should go to the gym” try, “I could go to the gym”

By implementing these techniques over time, you can start to shift your mindset from a “should” and “ought” mentality to a more balanced, compassionate, and flexible way of thinking. It’s important to remember that change takes time, and it’s okay to seek help from a professional, like a therapist or counsellor, when navigating these changes.

If you would like to chat with someone about your “should” or “ought” statements, please reach out to our office.