Are You Setting a Boundary or Trying to Control the Outcome?

It is often when major changes are happening in our lives (whether external or internal) that we realize our relationships need to respond and adapt. Had your first child? Your in-laws may become a bigger part of your life. Started a new career? You may not be able to prioritize your friends as much. Becoming a caretaker to a family member? You may need more support from your partner at home.

These shifts can also be internal, such as realizing your mother often guilts you for not visiting as much as she would like. In these circumstances, boundaries may be called for, and it is important to set them with realistic expectations.

The good news: setting boundaries doesn’t always mean the only answer is to cut out your mom! The goal is actually to implement healthy boundaries so that you are better able to meet your needs.

In the therapeutic world, we separate boundaries into three categories: porous, healthy, and rigid. You can picture them like a wet sponge. More water will get through a “porous” sponge (i.e., porous boundaries) while most water remains in a dense one (i.e., rigid boundaries).

Porous boundaries look like:

● Struggling to say “no” to people;

● Giving in to others to avoid conflict (appeasing);

● Allowing almost anyone to get close;

● Difficulties with sharing opinions or expressing values.

Rigid boundaries look like:

● Keeping most people at a distance;

● Avoiding conflict by pushing people away;

● Feeling mistrusting of others;

● Struggling to share emotions or attend to others’.

Healthy boundaries look like:

● Being selective about who we let in and keep out;

● Taking time to build trust with others;

● Saying “no” when needed and saying “yes” when you want to;

● Understanding that conflict is a natural part of life.

If we are someone who tends to set “porous” boundaries, when we correct ourselves, we can swing too far in the other direction and start implementing “rigid” boundaries. For example, I always go over to help my mom (appeasing), and so I’ve become resentful, and I don’t go over anymore (avoidance).

So how can we know that our boundaries are “healthy?”

We have to ask ourselves, what is my intention in setting this boundary?

This question can help us recognize when our boundaries are trying to control the outcome of a situation, rather than helping us to fulfill our needs.

If we return to our example, we might ask ourselves what our intention is with avoiding our mother’s house. If the answer is, “I want her to know that her behaviour is not okay so that she stops doing it,” we may be trying to control the outcome.

Healthy boundaries focus on the things we can control: our behaviours, our reactions, our thoughts, our emotions, how we treat others, our choices, asking for help, etc.

We cannot control your mother’s behaviours, or the things she chooses to do or say. We can only control ourselves. That’s why it’s important to ask yourself, “What need am I trying to meet with this boundary?”

Healthy boundaries can look like:

● Helping your mom when you have time and energy, and rescheduling when you don’t;

● Sharing with your partner that you’re feeling upset by something they did so that you can come to a solution together;

● Intentionally choosing friends that match the values you want to see in your circle;

● Supporting people in your life without overextending yourself.

Finally, when we set boundaries, our loved ones may feel upset or disappointed. Just because someone is upset does not mean you have done something wrong. It is not your responsibility to “fix” their feelings. We become disappointed when our expectations are not met.

They may have certain expectations of you because you have created those. It will take time for those expectations to become more realistic.

You can build your tolerance for disappointment by:

1. Sitting with discomfort: You will feel anxious. There is no avoiding this part because you are doing the opposite of what you usually do. Let yourself feel stressed without rushing to backtrack or apologize.

2. Remember your intention: You are allowed to make a decision for your life that allows you to better meet your needs, as long as you are not trying to control things that are out of your hands.

3. Set it down: The other person’s disappointment belongs to them. You are allowed to honour your capacity and let them process their feelings.

Setting boundaries is not about controlling the outcome. It is about fulfilling our own needs while finding a better balance for ourselves and our relationships. We can do so by ensuring we are setting “healthy” boundaries and accepting what we cannot control.

If you’re feeling doubtful about your boundaries, you can always return to this blog post or reach out to work with Water & Stone Psychotherapy at info@water-and-stone.ca.